(hat tip to erik rubright: http://erikrubright.com/blog/2010/01/10/what-if-the-meme/)
1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? Does that mean explode, like body parts everywhere, or explode, like powerful orgasm? Kind of important to differentiate. If A, then I’d pretend to push the button on them, but secretly wish that Karma would get a fuckin’ clue and catch up to them so that I wouldn’t be responsible for the carnage. If B, then myself.
2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be? If I could wipe out rap, I’d be flippin’ that switch right now.
3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? Rush Limbaugh. Same for Glenn Beck, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Sarah Palin, Rumsfield, Romney, McCain, Santorum, and Justice Scalia. But then I’d feel bad for making them cry. It would only be worth it if I could jump on their head with spikey shoes.
4. What is your favorite cheese? (nice subject change – I was feeling all testosteronal and violent) Swiss Gruyere. With nice Carr crackers and a glass of chardonay.
5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make? A sandwich is a sandwich, but a MANWICH is a meal. I’d go with the Carlson twins. Please. With a side of forever. (http://www.thecarlsontwins.com/)
6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice? Jake Gyllenhaal. Once would be worth it.
7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick? Madonna. Yep. Discuss amongst yourselves.
8. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it? Refill Starbucks card and start off with a grande, single-shot, soy latte – no foam, and a blueberry scone. Jake on one arm, and Madonna on the other.
9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Santorini, Greece. The Carlson twins and I will be sunning at the beach.
10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do? cf #9, emphasis on Carlson twins.
11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…? Vodka. It’s so versatile. I’ve already done a lifetime of tequila.
12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there? I’d ensure that I could get back first… and then wiz-bang off to the early time of Machu Picchu and see the city in its glory.
13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? If it harm none, do what you will. The second island rule: clothing optional.
14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise? Blair-Witch version of Christians during the time of Nero. Oh wait – Oral Roberts already did that. Badly.
15. What is your favorite curse word? Fucktard.
16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? Look for Scott, Midas, and the kitties. All accounted for and safe? Then I flip the pillow to find the cool spot on my pillow and go back to sleep. I dream shit like that all the time.
17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the item? My blanket (Woobie!). I’ve had it since birth and that thing is gonna get buried with me.
18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour? Jake Gyllenhaal. I knew it wouldn’t be a one-time thing.
19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be? I’m already endowed, but I could handle flying.
20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? Jake Gyllenhaal. Third time is the charm.
21.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? There are whole years that would classify. I won’t erase them, though. Just their phone number.
22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin’! What country are you going to live in now? Bermuda. I still want to work on that tan (with the Carlson twins).
23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be? The one I buy and own, bitches – retro 80′s, progressive trance, and remix dance bar – and it will be called Noiz (Zion, backwards). Barkeep and host/hostess dress as missionaries, but without pants. Other activities include jello wrestling, the Flood recreation (wet briefs contest), and baptism by drinking.
24. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like “Dude, check it out… I can FLOAT!”? Lamest question ever, except for a co-worker one time asking if I was gay. For the record, I would FLY, not FLOAT. Fuck – I don’t need to look like a Macy’s Day Parade, advertising a super gay sale or something.
25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life? Madeline Khan. I dreamed about her not too long ago. In my dream, I remember laughing and laughing and laughing. I was sad when I woke up and I knew it was only a dream.
26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? Ricockulous question, considering the Angel of Death supposedly visited earlier, but okay. I would bring back Ryan, and I’d hug him and hold him and love him and tell him it’s okay to be gay.
27. What’s your theme song? I agree with my blogger friend Chanson (http://lfab-uvm.blogspot.com/):
“Believe in me
because I don’t believe in anything
and I want to be someone to believe…”
-’Mr. Jones’ – Counting Crows