Meme of 99 Have and Have Nots

Rules are relatively simple. Take the list (copy and paste to notepad – it will remove all bold and italic formatting). Copy list back to Word or whatever where you then bold the items you’ve done. Don’t bold items you haven’t done. I liked Wry’s parenthetical commentary and incorporated that “rule” here – you can do whatever the hell you want to if you choose to play. Here’s my list of 99 things that I have or have not done.

1.       Started your own blog (Several. I’ve lost count.)

2.      Slept under the stars (Despite my fear of mosquitoes and getting sucked dry because I’m so sweet.)

3.      Played in a band (Walking and talking or dancing (not at the same time) is my limit.)

4.      Visited Hawaii (All too briefly, en route from Guam. The highlight of that trip being a younger looking Antonio Banderas named, appropriately, ‘Peter.’)

5.       Watched a meteor shower (Watching men shower is much more exciting.)

6.      Given more than you can afford to charity (I’d give billions if I had billions to give.)

7.       Been to Disneyland/world (Why can’t there be a day for adults only?)

8.      Climbed a mountain (And on a clear day you can see forever.)

9.      Held a praying mantis (And didn’t scream like a girl.)

10.   Sang a solo (Only in the privacy of my own home with doors and windows locked.)

11.    Bungee jumped (Why not pull my liver out through my nostrils, first?)

12.   Visited Paris (Not yet, mon amis.)

13.   Watched a lightning storm at sea (On the banks of the Great Salt Lake will NEVER count.)

14.   Taught yourself an art from scratch (I can crochet scarfs, hot pads, and cock warmers. Sometimes I do stained glass (but not stained glass cock warmers.))

15.    Adopted a child (Not yet, anyway.)

16.   Had food poisoning (Taco Bell, In-N-Out Burger… and I still go back.)

17.    Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty (Seems strangely obscene to be inside a representation of liberty.)

18.   Grown your own vegetables (Proxy accomplishment via Scott’s green thumb.)

19.   Seen the Mona Lisa in France (She looks like she has gas…)

20.  Slept on an overnight train (Full moon, snowstorm, and going through the Sierra Nevadas past Mt. Shasta on the way to Oregon, with Scott.)

21.   Had a pillow fight (You haven’t lived until you’ve beaned someone upside the head with a bunch of feathers inside a pillow case.)

22.  Hitch hiked (I was a good kid and didn’t talk to strangers nor run away.)

23.  Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (These kinds of days are randomly required to deal with life.)

24.  Built a snow fort (And somehow never learned how to ski whilst being imprisoned in Utah.)

25.   Held a lamb (Does a gyro count?)

26.  Gone skinny dipping (Our pool is clothing optional, unless you’re hawt, then it’s mandatory.)

27.   Run a Marathon (Running, like Mormonism, is a cult, I say.)

28.  Ridden in a gondola in Venice (Loves me some Italy, but I have yet to hit Venice.)

29.  Seen a total eclipse (And lunar, too.)

30.  Watched a sunrise or sunset (Whoever wrote this meme lived underground in captivity, right?)

31.   Hit a home run (Later with the team captain, too – Woo hoo!)

32.  Been on a cruise (Mediterranean gay cruise – Spain, Italy, Greece, Turkey. 2000 gay men, all prone to moments of spontaneous “fabulous!” – and it was fantastic.)

33.  Seen Niagara Falls in person (Only on TV, and always hopeful to see someone going over the edge in a barrel.)

34.  Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (Place of conception: Thermopolis, Wyoming. No wonder I’m hot-headed, passionate and obstinate.)

35.   Seen an Amish community (What goes “clip clop, clip clop, bang!, clip clop, clip clop”? An Amish drive-by.)

36.  Taught yourself a new language (I can swear in Spanish (minor in college), Farsi, Greek, and pig-latin.)

37.   Had enough money to be truly satisfied (I be one happy and sated man, but more would help friends and family.)

38.  Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person (And tried to tip it over but it wouldn’t budge.)

39.  Gone rock climbing (Me and ropes and gravity? I’ll leave the BDSM gear in the bedroom, thank you.)

40.  Seen Michelangelo’s David (Never has a piece of marble looked so lickable.)

41.   Sung karaoke (I’d have to be drunk on vodka, Valium AND Vicadin.)

42.  Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt (Nature’s money shot.)

43.  Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant (I have a weakness for little old men or women eating dinner by themselves – I’ve paid tabs anonymously.)

44.  Visited Africa (It’s on my travel list.)

45.   Walked on a beach by moonlight (Yes. Whoever thought beaches and love makin’ was a good combo was an idiot – or they had a high tolerance for sand and chaffing.)

46.  Been transported in an ambulance (No thanks.)

47.   Had your portrait painted (Drawn. SML did a great job.)

48.  Gone deep sea fishing (I don’t like deep water, nor fishing.)

49.  Seen the Sistine Chapel in person (Impressive, except the damn priests shushing people – bastards should take an oath of silence and shut the fuck up, starting with their Nazi Pope. (See, I pick on more than Mormons.))

50.  Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (No and no interest – the stupid James Bond movies ruined the sentiment for me.)

51.    Gone scuba diving or snorkeling (Claustrophobic and way terrified of drowning.)

52.   Kissed in the rain (Kissing, rain or shine, is a good thing.)

53.   Played in the mud (And masques are great, too.)

54.   Gone to a drive-in theater (I remember seeing the Aristocats on the top of the family Blazer, circa 70′s.)

55.   Been in a movie (Homemade videos do not count.)

56.   Visited the Great Wall of China (Great buffet.)

57.   Started a business (Twice. And about to participate in a new one, starting July 1.)

58.   Taken a martial arts class (Tai chi, but I’m a lover, not a fighter.)

59.   Visited Russia (I’m cravin’ me some vodka.)

60.  Served at a soup kitchen (No soup for you!)

61.   Sold Girl Scout Cookies (Chocolate Thin Mints, please.)

62.  Gone whale watching (I want to do an Alaskan cruise.)

63.  Gotten flowers for no reason (My man loves me.)

64.  Donated blood, platelets or plasma (Don’t get me started on how discriminatory this is for the gay community – even those of us in monogamous relationships, we can’t give blood without LYING and saying we’re straight.)

65.   Gone sky diving (Right after my liver is removed through my nostrils, just push my body out the hatch, kthx.)

66.  Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp (The Holocaust memorial in DC is the closest I’ll ever come to a concentration camp, unless Mormons take over the world and try putting gay men and women into them. Fear the Romney.)

67.   Bounced a check (In my earlier years where I was less fiscally responsible. Stop it. I’m serious as a heart attack.)

68.  Flown in a helicopter (Not even for a porn version of M.A.S.H.)

69.  Saved a favorite childhood toy (Comics, cars, mementos, all packed neatly in an antique pinewood box.)

70.  Visited the Lincoln Memorial (Holy temple of liberty and freedom.)

71.    Eaten Caviar (Ick. I can barely handle the little orange fish egg things on sushi.)

72.   Pieced a quilt (Crochet is my speed – the needles are not pointy and dangerous.)

73.   Stood in Times Square (Twice, and stumbled both times. Tequila flashback.)

74.   Toured the Everglades (Alligators or crocodile things are there. Definite no.)

75.   Been fired from a job (Amazingly, no, not even when I came out to a closeted Mormon boss. Dodged more than one bullet on that one.)

76.   Seen the Changing of the Guard in London (If it included a costume change, I might be more interested.)

77.   Broken a bone (Never, which is stunning when you consider my issues with gravity and accidents.)

78.   Been on a speeding motorcycle (As both driver and passenger – I grew up with motorcycles, 3-wheelers and 4-wheelers.)

79.   Seen the Grand Canyon in person (The place needs a name that does it justice.)

80.  Published a book (Workin’ on it.)

81.   Visited the Vatican (And held hands with my partner and kissed him and God didn’t strike us dead.)

82.  Bought a brand new car (Five times now. New leather smell is intoxicating.)

83.  Walked in Jerusalem (God needs to take it away from everyone until her children can learn to play together.)

84.  Had your picture in the newspaper (As a child, there was some article about Mother’s Day. Cute, but so not newsworthy.)

85.   Read the entire Bible (I could only deal with a porn or Broadway version. A blend of both would be fine, with Neil Patrick Harris in the lead.)

86.  Visited the White House (And wasn’t arrested or detained, even.)

87.   Killed and prepared an animal for eating (No. I can’t even touch hamburger in a package.)

88.  Had chickenpox (And measles and mumps and Bell’s Palsy.)

89.  Saved someone’s life (I’d do anything for my friends.)

90.  Sat on a jury (Insert corrected phrase of “hung jurist” – kidding.)

91.   Met someone famous (The Osmonds don’t fucking count!)

92.  Joined a book club (Any social gathering involving wine and good conversation works for me.)

93.  Lost a loved one (May they be walking with the gods.)

94.  Had a baby (I’ll take C-Section (instead of watermelon through a tube) for $5000, Alex.)

95.   Seen the Alamo in person (Saw PeeWee Herman’s bike and the basement, too.)

96.  Swam in the Great Salt Lake (Does wading out naked a mile and the water only going up to my calves count?)

97.   Been involved in a lawsuit (No, but I would have happily sued the Mormon church if they hadn’t removed my name from their records. I resigned. Sorry, family – I’m going to my own Private Idaho in the sky.)

98.  Owned a cell phone (Next evolution cycle, people will be born with them.)

99.  Been stung by a bee (Why aren’t there interesting questions like, “have you ever pissed on an electric fence?”)